Monday, September 27, 2010

next time on baby gay:

public sex: awesome? awkward? not worth the experience? i'll let you know what i think.

to bush or not to

so you know there's a picture of a vagina at the end of this post. just letting you know.

my sister telling me about her bikini wax sparked a conversation about lesbian grooming habits. apparently we're both fascinated and confused.

coming from a straight world i never was inclined to do much maintenance on my nether regions. just a trim down but i never shaved or waxed, ever. and it was never a problem. or at least it never came up. what i did to my vagina was absolutely none of my partner's concern.

the lesbian world is a little different. apparently i was the first bush one girl ever went down on. it was her policy not to, but she made an exception for me...

i thought lesbians would be even more open minded about the bush. i mean we all have one so whats the big deal? i always felt that my pubic hair was a part of me and shouldn't be a concern to my partner at all. but i see now that when you spend 15-20+mins with your face between some girl's thighs some routine pruning isn't just necessary but common courtesy.

what i have learned is that in my local community the bald eagle is the preference and the most common do for the genitals. to my friends who i know have no clue a bald eagle is just what it sounds like, completely shaved. nothing, bare. some women pull this off better than others. i am not one of these women. frankly i just dont have the vagina for it. i like my bush or thought i did, but being that i just switched teams i was eager to please and willing to try anything once. conclusion: for me this style was pointless and required way too much work to keep up. plus it was just damn uncomfortable. also, not to toot my own horn, i have really soft pubic hair, like goose down or the belly of a kitten. shaving it off just made it worse for my partner rather than better, because as it grows back like 2 days later its like a little cactus.

to address my sister's concern that the bald eagle would make one think of a prepubescent girl, this isn't the case. as an adult who enjoys fucking other adults the thought of getting it on with a child doesn't really ever come up. i recognize my partner as a consenting adult so figure the lack of hair really isn't a concern.

that said i have turned my partner who was a bald eagle into a bush convert. she now maintains a small neat bush, but knows i could care less so doesn't worry about it as much as she use to. one day she will be a fellow bush lover or at least like me a woman who feels her partner should worry about something else besides a little extra flossing.

i feel like i'm doing my lesbian community service one bush at a time.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

By the way

I feel like the real l word doesn't actually discuss lesbian sex realistically or rather not incompassing to all women. Why ask if women cry during sex (weird) and not ask your favourite way to please another woman? Now that's a question I can get behind. I like talking about sex and I like to know what other people are doing in bed too. And also why are there soooo many dogs on that show?

Anyway I like this poem and I like these two girls and I like how they talk about sex. But not sex just as something hot and intoxicating but sex also as a way to share love and appreciation. Maybe it's just because I am baby gay that I'm super eager to please, that more than anything I just want to melt into her skin and hear her sigh. Plus it's massively awesome when you get a girl off with no clue what you're doing. I like discussing sex and understanding what will ge her off because I honestly I'm just fumbling in the dark.

So sex positivity is awesome and I think we should keep it up, because if baby gays aren't learning about sex their sex is going to suck and they're going to think that it's okay. And it's not, it so is not.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

lessons not fun

what i have learned so far:

some people won't even shake my hand

i get lewd comments thrown at me or shot dirty looks just for holding her hand

i'm no longer reconized as a citizen of the united states and sometimes not even as human

so many people i will never meet hate me

its disturbing and terrifying. i don't know how so many have grown up with thinking that this is a normal way to live. and how we're
counted as lucky to just be alive.

i've grown up believing in equality but now i'm fighting for it and coming face to face with just how dark the human heart can be. how does one live in the face of so much hate?

Friday, July 23, 2010

About strap ons

valuable lesson I learned about strap ons today:

do not let that sucker slip down or you'll be icing yourself for the rest of the night.

"It's like a hickey on my vagina!!" plunger style. my poor girl.

strap ons were designed by men

Friday, July 16, 2010

losing the big V

s.e.x. lets talk about it. to my high school buddy and college room mate this is a post where i kind of talk about sex. just warning you.

i'm not going to lie i was WASTED the first time i had sex with a woman. and yes it deserves all caps. actually i wasn't completely sober for gay sex until the third time. and we fucked on her ex girlfriend's couch. that was when i knew i would love lesbians for the rest of my life. those bitches are crazy. i heart them.

i swore i was getting laid that night. i had on knee socks with black heels and short shorts. i knew just the girl and if she still was unsure on how to make a move i was going to make it easy for her.

lets count some drinks here. i'm a light weight. i've gained quite a bit of weight due to inactivity/ becoming a baker but im still shy of 115lbs. yeah, i'm that fucking small. so let me think really hard on the drinks list of that night. shot wise one vodka i believe 2 gin. at least 3 gin and tonics (besides bedroom eyes are my biggest weakness). um, i actually think the girl bought me a drink, pretty sure i finished hers. the friend i came with ended up closing my tab for me, which i half heartily signed while making out with said girl. did i mention i was wasted.

we had been circling each other for a while. i remember one drunken night kissing her cheek and whispering in her ear that i was a good fuck. yeah, i'm that girl. this night though i was faded and she leaned down to better hear me and i... oh god this is embarrassing... i gently and playfully bit the top of her ear. who does that? at a bar? drunk gay virgins thats who. apparently though she liked weird and this is how my friend came to close my tab for me. after making out in the middle of a throng of people... and at the bar... she grabbed my hand dragged me from the club, me yelling over my shoulder to the 20+ people i knew, whom most thought i was straight, "GOODBYE!" and if all that gin wasn't enough the girl had whiskey in her car! oh god. at this point she was all "I need to sober you up, I don't want to feel like taking complete advantage of you." which i'm pretty sure i responded by downing the whiskey and rootbeer from a mason jar(!) and replied "do it." i am nothing if not classy.

i would like to make other baby gays feel better in letting them know my first time was awkward, giggly, but sweet. it wasn't. awkward yes in ways, i had no fucking idea what i was doing. but giggly and sweet? no way. we fucking wrecked each other. years of suppression and denial lead up to one profoundly gay moment. oh i was a total lesbo.

it was actually rather sweet, beside you know...the kinky stuff. but when i took off her clothes, with much help from her, i was overwhelmed with the relief of seeing her body and how it was just like mine. i don't know how to describe how profound that moment was for me. sex suddenly didn't make me feel like a part of an equation to obtain an overall goal. i felt like an equal. an equal that had no fucking clue what to do next with a naked girl. but she was sweet in her own way. she knew i was a big v and she whispered comforts and soothed me. and then i went to fucking town. we ripped each other to shreds. i literally almost killed her. learning a valuable lesson: kink + booze = not a good idea.

via jaghetermarilla

oh yes this is something i'll gladly be doing for the rest of my life. i've been reading up, i'm stretching, i'm getting back in shape. this obsession is a life time commitment. fucking women might be the single greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

you want me to do what with you now...?

the worst part about coming out in an outdoor loving state?

bitches want to take you camping.

no seriously, what is it with lesbians and camping? is there a quota we have to fill? when you come out of the closet are you suppose to get a packet in the mail with a letter of welcome and a standard issued walking stick?

i went to a hippie outdoor bounds school where camping was a common event used to inspire team work, bonding, and a love of nature. of course making tweens sleep outside and then get up at 6am actually re-enforces the exact opposite. you carry that kind of hate with you for the rest of your life.

so when i realized that girls were going to want to go camping i was rather apprehensive. camping means bugs, sleeping on the hard ground and being bitterly cold. i had to discuss this seemingly stereotypical/insane event with my veteran gays.

they were only too happy to provide the real reasons for subjecting yourself to the great outdoors. camping was explained to me in these terms: booze, a dangerously large fire, smores because even the gays like smores, and stumbling back to your tent to find a naked girl in your sleeping bag.

wait, what?

via b$/ram

fucking sign me up! i love camping. now where the fuck is my walking stick?

Friday, July 9, 2010

Community house

People there is a butch wearing plaid and chopping wood right in front of me.

She is chopping wood for a backyard fire pit. I can make smores.

I'm tipsy off vodka tonics blended with black berries and basil.

I sleep on a twin mattress pushed under an always open window in the corner of a living room. I can't even tell you how many people live in this house because honestly I can't keep up.

My parents don't know how to talk to me anymore. We're awkward so now I live here.

With a pure white cat on my lap to keep me company.

I feel like I'm 18 again and figuring this out all over again. I feel directionless and without place.

But this girl is seriously spending two hours building up a fire so I can spend ten minutes making smores.

I love lesbians.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

i admit it, i have a thing for girls in baseball caps

let's talk about one of my all time favourite type of dyke. the butch. not just any butch but the just graduated from adolescent baby butch but still not quite full blown Harley riding butch. you know, not a girl, not yet a woman... but gayer. they're almost bois but way tougher. hanging out with all their guys friends, baggy pants and baseball cap. for this reason i call them the baseball cap butch.

oh yeah that's what i'm talking about. this dyke sets me on fire. these girls know how to melt a lady where she stands. when one looks at you it feels like you're the first girl they have ever seen. at some point they'll shyly saunter over tip their head down, look through their lashes and in the same breath offer to buy you a drink, ask you dance, and tell you you're beautiful.

via liquorinthefront

these bitches are the best things that have ever happened to lesbianism. seriously. they are a prime example in how to treat a lady. i mean they have to be because when they snag a femme they snag the fucking prettiest femme in the goddamn town. and you know that was some work.

via fuckyeahkatemoross

i might have a soft spot for these dykes because i read Stone Butch Blues right when i was coming out. or perhaps because a baseball cap butch was the first girl i really actively hit on and she was truly the most gorgeous thing i had seen. but since then all of my interactions with them have been soft and sweet, even when a heavy amount of liquor was involved.

they break like dry grass though so handle with care. a baby gay might accidentally steal a heart and run with it without even knowing. and then you just see a sad and frustrated baseball cap butch in the corner of the bar not knowing what to do next. and that's never a good thing.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

bikes, girls, girls on bikes... heaven

via malloreigh

oh dear oh my. my heart is set a flutter. i can't help it.

how can anyone resist a girl on a bike? it isn't possible. now i'm not talking sunset, long hair caught in a breeze, floral print dress wearing girl on some vintage beach cruiser.

i'm talking about hipster bike dykes. oh they are lovely. plugs, plaids, pedals. all i need in this world. now i fancy myself a biker, but seriously i'm not. not even close to these purest girls with their fixed gears and hella adorable hoodies.

via katemoross

i'm rather anti fixed gear. i like my knees too much, call me selfish. but i'm all for other girls loving the fixie sensation. usually she'll have plugs in her ears or some other interesting piercing, a hoodie or neon plaid shirt, messenger bag, knit something somewhere on her body, and a vague art degree, this beautiful specimen of femme fatal sends me reeling. they're so passionate about riding and things like crank shafts and deep vs. i have no clue but it gets me all hot when they talk about such things while cleaning grease from their hands. such nimble, sturdy hands.

down side to these pretty little grungy things: most are straight.

via doubleohtwo

i know this because despite the gears on my bike i'm still partly one of them. and as i tried to flirt with them in my art classes and at coffee shops i was shot down each time with "Oh I love that place! My boyfriend works there!" or "Yeah my boyfriend's house is right off 13th." or something to the degree that they liked dick. which you know i followed up with "Yeah my fiance likes that sort of stuff too..." in my head i'm screaming "omg omg omg! just smile, just laugh. think i'm funny!" what a sad sad mixed up little girl i was...

anyway! dykes + bikes = heaven. plus there could be the chance that all they need is a little coaxing out of the closet.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

team gina

a team gina rap on the magic of the butch. which i fully support.

just so you know the whole intricate dynamic of tops and bottoms exists in the lesbian community as well as the gay. and apparently people still follow the hankie code. some what worrisome to someone who loves a matching bandanna despite what it represents.

Monday, June 28, 2010

ain't she a woman too?

one thing that keeps coming up since coming out are people saying to me "So what are you into? You're going to date girlie girls right? Like lipstick lesbians?" i'm actually rather offended by this. like women who aren't super femme are ugly, or undesirable or something. also never once when i dated men did someone ask me what type of guy i was into, as though one sub group was better than the other.

i like to say i love all women. because i do, i find them intriguing and i'm compelled to get lost in them. but sexually, right now in my baby gayness im attracted to women i know are gay. or at least i actively try to attract them. and yeah sometimes i guess thats the classic butch. i like girls with shaved heads. i like girls that wear plaid and have ugly shoes. i dunno. i think they're pretty. honestly, i think they're very pretty. also there is no black and white when it comes to lesbians, its not all butch and femme. there's a smorgasbord of types of women who love women out there. and each person is completely different from the next.

it bugs me when i see posts like "I like women who look like women" what the fuck does that even mean? its one thing to say you're more attracted to classic looking femmes or you prefer a girlie girl. but who says a shaved head makes you less of a woman? what is it about the sluffling off of the dominant idea of "femaleness" that suddenly makes you unattractive? statements like these bother me because it sends a message that women who choose not to conform to a female ideal are no longer true women. feminism already has it problems with gender fluidity (see anything with womyn in title) but does the lesbian community really have to suffer from the same hang ups?

im not sure where i fit in the gay rainbow. mostly i identify with dapper queer, or hipster dyke, but really i don't. some days i like button ups and ties and others a flouncy dress. i feel most comfortable in boys clothes, i feel more sure of myself, more willing to take up space. female assigned clothes like skirts often make me feel powerless and weak depending on the situation. but on hot days i'll choose to wear a sundress rather than pants. right now i feel okay with this set up. and i own it.

i'm not going to lie though, i find this special group of butches to be my fav girls. i call them baseball cap butches. and i heart them. i don't see how they are less beautiful or less pretty because they don't have long hair or heels on. i guess i just don't see how someone can say one type of woman is better than the other based on her "feminine charms". i think thats bullshit. i like women who are women. and even that statement can be limiting. because lets be honest FTMs can be incredibly hot too.

via homeofthevain

its not about being a woman's woman, its about being comfortable in your own skin and celebrating that. and that sort of courage and self assurance is far sexier than a woman in heels to me. i don't care if you wear makeup and takes you 25mins to do your hair, i don't care if you wear baggy jeans and ripped t-shirts as long as it's who you are and you own it, i will buy you a drink. that kinda of came off as pervy.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

i'm such a baby

ouch, i hurt my delicate gayness today. a trip to the local foreign mall will do that to you. in the food court, 'cause no matter the country no mall is complete without one, i spotted one of the very few out and obvious lesbians. and i was way proud. i gave her a "it's cool, stay strong" look because she was young and growing up in a small town in a country that doesn't really tolerate straying from the hetero norm.

bolstered by my naivety of what i assumed was a common exchange between gaylings i was on a gay high. which for some reason gave me the courage to smile flirtingly with a completely straight and foreign makeup counter girl! which she promptly laughed at me. what was i thinking?! it wouldn't have been quite so bad if she hadn't called her friend over to discuss the exchange and then talk about me while i stood stupidly three feet away. since it was in a different language i could just be being paranoid. though i doubt it.

via skyhopper

what a blow to my sensitive baby gay pride! deflated i bought myself a rainbow bracelet because apparently this is a common accessory for all new baby gays. ps most baby gays are 15 so when they wear rainbow stuff its cute and awkward, when you're 25 and full grown its just pathetic and sorta weird.

so after that defeat i can either a)crawl into my shell and never make eyes at a woman again or b)get over it and flex my gay muscles back in the states where i know my hungry eyes will be found flattering rather than pathetic.

omg i can't wait to be loving some american women! i decided not to make gratuitous remarks involving apple pie just then.

via mutttttttt

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

things i've said that make me know i'm gay #2

via dario torre

so second edition. this one makes me smile. its from a few weeks ago and before i wrote the post below. its more than just being attracted to women. its about sharing things with women and being willing to lose everything for them. its not even that, its a compulsion. i have to make a total fool of myself for them, i have to know them. its just how i'm hardwired. also when i read these i'm like "damn i talk like a 12 year old" lets not concentrate on my actual age and just remember i'm BABY gay.

me: i'm obsessed with women!

friend: haha for now maybe

me: no i think this is a lifetime condition

friend: until you begin to hate women. but maybe that's just me.

me: i cant imagine not loving women
wait yes i can

friend: scary huh?

me: mmm kind of... but they're lovely. absolutely lovely that i don't care if they completely wreck me. tear me apart and break my heart i'll go through all of that just to be able to hold one
ill write them poems and buy them flowers and make fucking mixed tapes
i just want one to kiss

friend: haha

me: soft skin, bright eyes, sly smiles, girls send me over the moon
i cant believe its taken me so long to see it
I'm completely devoted to them
in a way i never have been with guys

friend: awwww yay!

me: they make me gooey and mushy
i'm sick, like sick sick
ill do anything for a pretty girl. anything to make her smile

friend: oh hush, you're not sick. you're totally a gay girls dream right now

me: no i'm pretty sure i'm crazy

friend: girl crazy

me: sooo true

Monday, June 21, 2010

cold feet

via welcome,ghosts

so i've been freaking out. i've given myself a couple months to become completely enraptured by women. but these women, despite words and pictures aren't living flesh. what the fuck do i do when i'm actually talking to a girl? i mean, what if i'm not cut out for this? what if they're just way too much for me to handle?

when i talk to my narrow Internet community of lesbos i sometimes miss out on the delicate subtleties they weave in their buildings of relationships. but one thing i can tell, when they talk about women their eyes mist over and their voices soften. loving women is a devotion. i'm not sure if straight women feel the same for men. i've never felt it. and from the straight women i know rather well they sure as hell don't act like it. but with women it's like all or nothing. its a worship. its like every fucking second you want to take one in your arms and just smell her hair.

in a recent conversation i had a lezzie try to explain what was it about women and she said:

"The woman's body is beautiful yes but the passion and power of one is more captivating. They're so intense with emotion, will,'s electric and moving. Mmm girls that act with passion, love it! If it's love, rage or their interest it's wicked hot."

almost an indescribable force pulls us together. its hard as a baby gay to put to put my finger on it. i have far less experience with women and quite frankly they terrify me, they always have. i'm not even good at maintaining friendships with girls how do i expect myself to keep a relationship going? not to mention that a pretty girl makes me act like the biggest fucking idiot ever. i think its just being completely out of my element that has me scared. i just, i dunno...i just want to do right by them. they make me feel crazy and out of control, but i just want them to feel safe and adored. they fucking fascinate me. every time. i'm completely swept away by everything.

via lesfemmes

Thursday, June 17, 2010


all right i have a husband. its what happens when one gets married. its no ones fault, just an occupational hazard. lets get this out of the way, i love my husband. straight up he's the best man in the entire world and i love him. we have always just fit together. comfortably and warmly and if i was 35 and straight that would be all i would need for the rest of my life. i thought it was all that i needed now. that is why i married my husband. i love him, he was perfect for me, i wanted to share a life with him. and at the time i honestly thought love would be enough to fight my attraction towards women. sadly some people just can't handle having a gay spouse who wants to pursue relationships with the same sex outside of matrimony. which is cool and totally understandable. but not right for me. i've come to realize that women set me on fire in a way that men have never been able to do. yeah i've been crazy for guys, but women i worship. all of them, not just some of them.

it was hard enough being married for so short a time and then realizing you just couldn't do it anymore and then coming out. in a completely foreign country living a pretty shitty life and then your wife tells you she's gay and just wants to go the fuck home. it was pretty heartbreaking and destructive. it gets complicated when you try to think how much guilt you should carry and how much you actually need to move on. my sexuality and my coming out is wrought with failure and shame, actually made worse by the fact that everyone that matters seems to be taking it rather well. which i truly appreciate no lie. you are all amazing people and thank you so much for not letting me drown in this in silence.

the worst of it though, living with your husband in another country. its...awkward. because i am actively researching, studying and discussing my sexuality. but you know on my own. in secret. our life together is ending and it just doesn't seem real. i ache for his comfort, how easily i relax around him and how we can still joke around, even now. how much hurt can one person endure? and how much more should they go through? it becomes this tug of war game between celebrating and helping pick up the pieces. tip toeing around because you know this is so much pain. there are open wounds that can't heal and we're still sleeping in the same bed. this is the worst time in both of our lives, but theres this palpable feeling that while his life is ending mine is only just beginning. it is the type of guilt that drags on your very bones.

but you know what it doesn't effect? my feeling towards women. not tarnished in the least. i'm somersaulting over the graces, charms and down right irresistible qualities of my own sex.

via lesbihonest

so yes i do cry, i carry guilt, i feel heavy shame. all the awfulness of what this is and feeling like a failure and a fool and having to come back home to start over sucks ass. but i can withstand this. because ladies, you are worth it. every single one of you with your coy smiles and bell like laughter, you are so fucking worth it.

via fuckyeahdykes

where i attempt to find meaning and then give up

i allot myself days in which i go down a list of people in my mind who i should tell personally i'm gay. these are my coming out days and they are absolutely exhausting. breaking into the topic itself is rather awkward. some people get a clunky some what confusing story of "yeah well remember how..." others a deep sigh and then "i'm soooo gay" in this way i've realized suddenly that i have a lot of past examples to drudge up in my "holy shit this should have been a red flag" moments.

i didn't really start challenging and investigating my sexuality until about 3 years ago. yeah i know. but i've always been awkward around the subject and yet right at home. i grew up surrounded by a liberal bubble. except for that short stint in catholic school (where i spent most of the time rubbing everyone the wrong way and becoming friends with the other 4 minorities)the schools i went to were hippie-esq. i didn't even realize republicans actually existed until i went to a small, lets say rural, college for 2 years. i just grew up thinking sexuality was completely fluid and it wasn't worth thinking about. everyone i knew was boy crazy so i was boy crazy. of course for the boys who looked liked girls...

this is dumb. i'm re reading this and i realize i'm trying to explain the unexplainable. i like women, i've always liked women, i didn't figure it out till just now. i'm sorry i had to drag so many people down with me. but i'm glad i'm out. and i can't believe how absolutely obsessed i am about women.

so in my next post we'll talk about whats really important. how hot women are and how i worship every step they take, especially if its towards me.

i mean seriously now...wreck me.

things i've said that make me know i'm gay #1

here's a fun addition. because i'm by myself a lot and in another country i'm basically figuring this whole gay thing out in my own isolated bubble without actually applying anything to real life situations. thinking i was straight or at least wafflely up until the age of 25 has left me a little unsure about how gay am i. is that even possible? so i rely on how i feel when i look at something like this:

okay lets be honest here, the first thing that pops into my head is BOOBS! which should be enough, but right now i have the gay libido of a 14 year old boy. and we all know 14 year old boys are dumb. but then i think awwww, i want that! and then BOOBS! and then i want to kiss girls and hold them and make them feel safe. and then BOOBS!

so sometimes i'm not sure about visual stimulation. so i like to look back at conversations with very close friends about gayness, and what i reveal to them i ultimately reveal to myself.

this is a conversation with my bestest best friend who knew long before most of myself that i was carrying a sparkling rainbow torch for humans with vaginae:

Me: i feel so foolish most the time

Friend: yeah I was gonna suggest that that may be it
because you're coming back, and coming out, and now you're going to wonder who "knew" and who will think you're stupid for not knowing yourself

Me: exactly!
its terrifying
i dont like people thinking of me like that
i dont like feeling like an idiot

Friend: and who's gonna act all condescending about it

Me: it makes me really not want to come back. but those thoughts were what stopped me from exploring my feelings to begin with. i thought i've should of known by now and i didnt so i must not of been gay and so i kept being straight
and then felt funny every time two girls kissed
it was hilarious
like being 14 all over again

Friend: hahaha well there's no turning back, so don't just come out half way and pretend to be straight with some people and not with others or any of that business

Me: its weirdly comfortable

Friend: it's great when you can stop deceiving and start just settling into yourself

Me: almost like..
okay so you know how if you lay in one place long enough theres like an indent in the blankets?
its like rolling into that indent

how effing gay is that? who talks about rolling into blanket indents? homos, thats who. so its sad that i'm in my own made up world of gay, and that i still feel like an idiot. but when i talk about being gay and when i sigh over girls i light up. i get dizzy. i like girls. a lot.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

coming out over skype

most epic conversation with my mom. basically me mumbling something incoherently about grls and how pretty they are and sobbing then my mom goes


then skype drops the call.

best. timing. ever.


mom: “So is sex with women something you’re… interested in…?”
“Uh yeah mom, very interested in!”

later my dad sent me a link of “The prettiest woman I have ever seen!”

i feel like theyre taking this a lot better than most parents.

How two of my many siblings took it:

my sister: “Well who didn’t see that one coming?!”

my brother: “I was not expecting this.”

i heart my family. my brother was actually who i was most worried about telling because even though i’m from a very liberal family my brother is kind of a douche. but he was actually the funniest saying that now i can take my bi cousin out and cruise for chicks. and he dated a bi girl once. also that i should be a lipstick lesbian, actually he told me to be a lipstick lesbian. i told him it doesn’t quite work like that. apparently i also can’t date really butch girls, but he’ll go to my lesbian wedding because i’m his baby sister… see sweet, but still kind of a douche.

my brother: “MY sister IS a LESBIAN! my SISTER is A lesbian. my sister is a LESBIAN!”
me: “okay okay i get it, i’ll make you a god damn t-shirt!”
my brother: “Really? That would be kinda cool.”


oh my god hello. i'm baby gay. no really i am. i'm 25 and baby gay. hurrah!!
actually figuring out my sexuality has been super dumb and wicked hard. but isn't it for everyone? well yeah, but not every lesbo gets married to a man, moves to another country, and suddenly realizes all those girl crushes actually meant something. you feel kind of stupid. and like a super bitch. also you get a lot of "kind of could tell..." well maybe you should of ran that thought by me BEFORE i signed the god damn legal contract with the government! but whatev.

so what now? well now i get to crush the man of my dreams, check. come back to the states and live in my parents' basement while i try to pull together some semblance of a life out of nothing. lame. bright side? fucking women. see always a silver lining. how hard and how awful it was to make the decision to come out and subsequently ruin the life of the man i love and our families i am buoyed by the fact that i get to be lil' ol' gay me. and that's fucking exciting. i mean, come on, i get to kiss women! how awesome is that? its way awesome.

stay tuned for my awesome meltdowns and gleeful revelations in all things gay.