Community house

People there is a butch wearing plaid and chopping wood right in front of me.

She is chopping wood for a backyard fire pit.

....so I can make smores.

I'm tipsy off vodka tonics blended with black berries and basil.

I sleep on a twin mattress pushed under an always open window in the corner of a living room. I can't even tell you how many people live in this house because honestly I can't keep up.

My parents don't know how to talk to me anymore. We're awkward so now I live here.

With a pure white cat on my lap to keep me company.

I feel like I'm 18 again and figuring this out all over again. I feel directionless and without place.

But this girl is seriously spending two hours building up a fire so I can spend ten minutes making smores.

I love lesbians.

i admit it, i have a thing for girls in baseball caps

let's talk about one of my all time favourite type of dyke. the butch. not just any butch but the just graduated from adolescent baby butch but still not quite full blown Harley riding butch. you know, not a girl, not yet a woman... but gayer. they're almost bois but way tougher. hanging out with all their guys friends, baggy pants and baseball cap. for this reason i call them the baseball cap butch.



oh yeah that's what i'm talking about. this dyke sets me on fire. these girls know how to melt a lady where she stands. when one looks at you it feels like you're the first girl they have ever seen. at some point they'll shyly saunter over tip their head down, look through their lashes and in the same breath offer to buy you a drink, ask you dance, and tell you you're beautiful.

via liquorinthefront

these bitches are the best things that have ever happened to lesbianism. seriously. they are a prime example in how to treat a lady. i mean they have to be because when they snag a femme they snag the fucking prettiest femme in the goddamn town. and you know that was some work.

via fuckyeahkatemoross

i might have a soft spot for these dykes because i read Stone Butch Blues right when i was coming out. or perhaps because a baseball cap butch was the first girl i really actively hit on and she was truly the most gorgeous thing i had seen. but since then all of my interactions with them have been soft and sweet, even when a heavy amount of liquor was involved.



they break like dry grass though so handle with care. a baby gay might accidentally steal a heart and run with it without even knowing. and then you just see a sad and frustrated baseball cap butch in the corner of the bar not knowing what to do next. and that's never a good thing.

bikes, girls, girls on bikes... heaven

via malloreigh

oh dear oh my. my heart is set a flutter. i can't help it.

how can anyone resist a girl on a bike? it isn't possible. now i'm not talking sunset, long hair caught in a breeze, floral print dress wearing girl on some vintage beach cruiser.

i'm talking about hipster bike dykes. oh they are lovely. plugs, plaids, pedals. all i need in this world. now i fancy myself a biker, but seriously i'm not. not even close to these purest girls with their fixed gears and hella adorable hoodies.

via katemoross

i'm rather anti fixed gear. i like my knees too much, call me selfish. but i'm all for other girls loving the fixie sensation. usually she'll have plugs in her ears or some other interesting piercing, a hoodie or neon plaid shirt, messenger bag, knit something somewhere on her body, and a vague art degree, this beautiful specimen of femme fatal sends me reeling. they're so passionate about riding and things like crank shafts and deep vs. i have no clue but it gets me all hot when they talk about such things while cleaning grease from their hands. such nimble, sturdy hands.

down side to these pretty little grungy things: most are straight.


via doubleohtwo

i know this because despite the gears on my bike i'm still partly one of them. and as i tried to flirt with them in my art classes and at coffee shops i was shot down each time with "Oh I love that place! My boyfriend works there!" or "Yeah my boyfriend's house is right off 13th." or something to the degree that they liked dick. which you know i followed up with "Yeah my fiance likes that sort of stuff too..." in my head i'm screaming "omg omg omg! just smile, just laugh. think i'm funny!" what a sad sad mixed up little girl i was...



anyway! dykes + bikes = heaven. plus there could be the chance that all they need is a little coaxing out of the closet.

team gina

a team gina rap on the magic of the butch. which i fully support.

just so you know the whole intricate dynamic of tops and bottoms exists in the lesbian community as well as the gay. and apparently people still follow the hankie code. some what worrisome to someone who loves a matching bandanna despite what it represents.

ain't she a woman too?

one thing that keeps coming up since coming out are people saying to me "So what are you into? You're going to date girlie girls right? Like lipstick lesbians?" i'm actually rather offended by this. like women who aren't super femme are ugly, or undesirable or something. also never once when i dated men did someone ask me what type of guy i was into, as though one sub group was better than the other.

i like to say i love all women. because i do, i find them intriguing and i'm compelled to get lost in them. but sexually, right now in my baby gayness im attracted to women i know are gay. or at least i actively try to attract them. and yeah sometimes i guess thats the classic butch. i like girls with shaved heads. i like girls that wear plaid and have ugly shoes. i dunno. i think they're pretty. honestly, i think they're very pretty. also there is no black and white when it comes to lesbians, its not all butch and femme. there's a smorgasbord of types of women who love women out there. and each person is completely different from the next.



it bugs me when i see posts like "I like women who look like women" what the fuck does that even mean? its one thing to say you're more attracted to classic looking femmes or you prefer a girlie girl. but who says a shaved head makes you less of a woman? what is it about the sluffling off of the dominant idea of "femaleness" that suddenly makes you unattractive? statements like these bother me because it sends a message that women who choose not to conform to a female ideal are no longer true women. feminism already has it problems with gender fluidity (see anything with womyn in title) but does the lesbian community really have to suffer from the same hang ups?

im not sure where i fit in the gay rainbow. mostly i identify with dapper queer, or hipster dyke, but really i don't. some days i like button ups and ties and others a flouncy dress. i feel most comfortable in boys clothes, i feel more sure of myself, more willing to take up space. female assigned clothes like skirts often make me feel powerless and weak depending on the situation. but on hot days i'll choose to wear a sundress rather than pants. right now i feel okay with this set up. and i own it.



i'm not going to lie though, i find this special group of butches to be my fav girls. i call them baseball cap butches. and i heart them. i don't see how they are less beautiful or less pretty because they don't have long hair or heels on. i guess i just don't see how someone can say one type of woman is better than the other based on her "feminine charms". i think thats bullshit. i like women who are women. and even that statement can be limiting. because lets be honest FTMs can be incredibly hot too.

via homeofthevain

its not about being a woman's woman, its about being comfortable in your own skin and celebrating that. and that sort of courage and self assurance is far sexier than a woman in heels to me. i don't care if you wear makeup and takes you 25mins to do your hair, i don't care if you wear baggy jeans and ripped t-shirts as long as it's who you are and you own it, i will buy you a drink. that kinda of came off as pervy.

i'm such a baby

ouch, i hurt my delicate gayness today. a trip to the local foreign mall will do that to you. in the food court, 'cause no matter the country no mall is complete without one, i spotted one of the very few out and obvious lesbians. and i was way proud. i gave her a "it's cool, stay strong" look because she was young and growing up in a small town in a country that doesn't really tolerate straying from the hetero norm.

bolstered by my naivety of what i assumed was a common exchange between gaylings i was on a gay high. which for some reason gave me the courage to smile flirtingly with a completely straight and foreign makeup counter girl! which she promptly laughed at me. what was i thinking?! it wouldn't have been quite so bad if she hadn't called her friend over to discuss the exchange and then talk about me while i stood stupidly three feet away. since it was in a different language i could just be being paranoid. though i doubt it.

via skyhopper

what a blow to my sensitive baby gay pride! deflated i bought myself a rainbow bracelet because apparently this is a common accessory for all new baby gays. ps most baby gays are 15 so when they wear rainbow stuff its cute and awkward, when you're 25 and full grown its just pathetic and sorta weird.

so after that defeat i can either a)crawl into my shell and never make eyes at a woman again or b)get over it and flex my gay muscles back in the states where i know my hungry eyes will be found flattering rather than pathetic.

omg i can't wait to be loving some american women! i decided not to make gratuitous remarks involving apple pie just then.

via mutttttttt

things i've said that make me know i'm gay #2

via dario torre


so second edition. this one makes me smile. its from a few weeks ago and before i wrote the post below. its more than just being attracted to women. its about sharing things with women and being willing to lose everything for them. its not even that, its a compulsion. i have to make a total fool of myself for them, i have to know them. its just how i'm hardwired. also when i read these i'm like "damn i talk like a 12 year old" lets not concentrate on my actual age and just remember i'm BABY gay.

me: i'm obsessed with women!

friend: haha for now maybe

me: no i think this is a lifetime condition

friend: until you begin to hate women. but maybe that's just me.

me: i cant imagine not loving women
wait yes i can

friend: scary huh?

me: mmm kind of... but they're lovely. absolutely lovely that i don't care if they completely wreck me. tear me apart and break my heart i'll go through all of that just to be able to hold one
ill write them poems and buy them flowers and make fucking mixed tapes
i just want one to kiss

friend: haha

me: soft skin, bright eyes, sly smiles, girls send me over the moon
i cant believe its taken me so long to see it
I'm completely devoted to them
in a way i never have been with guys

friend: awwww yay!

me: they make me gooey and mushy
i'm sick, like sick sick
ill do anything for a pretty girl. anything to make her smile

friend: oh hush, you're not sick. you're totally a gay girls dream right now

me: no i'm pretty sure i'm crazy

friend: girl crazy

me: sooo true