losing the big V

s.e.x. lets talk about it. to my high school buddy and college room mate this is a post where i kind of talk about sex. just warning you.

i'm not going to lie i was WASTED the first time i had sex with a woman. and yes it deserves all caps. actually i wasn't completely sober for gay sex until the third time. and we fucked on her ex girlfriend's couch. that was when i knew i would love lesbians for the rest of my life. those bitches are crazy. i heart them.

i swore i was getting laid that night. i had on knee socks with black heels and short shorts. i knew just the girl and if she still was unsure on how to make a move i was going to make it easy for her.

lets count some drinks here. i'm a light weight. i've gained quite a bit of weight due to inactivity/ becoming a baker but im still shy of 115lbs. yeah, i'm that fucking small. so let me think really hard on the drinks list of that night. shot wise one vodka i believe 2 gin. at least 3 gin and tonics (besides bedroom eyes are my biggest weakness). um, i actually think the girl bought me a drink, pretty sure i finished hers. the friend i came with ended up closing my tab for me, which i half heartily signed while making out with said girl. did i mention i was wasted.

we had been circling each other for a while. i remember one drunken night kissing her cheek and whispering in her ear that i was a good fuck. yeah, i'm that girl. this night though i was faded and she leaned down to better hear me and i... oh god this is embarrassing... i gently and playfully bit the top of her ear. who does that? at a bar? drunk gay virgins thats who. apparently though she liked weird and this is how my friend came to close my tab for me. after making out in the middle of a throng of people... and at the bar... she grabbed my hand dragged me from the club, me yelling over my shoulder to the 20+ people i knew, whom most thought i was straight, "GOODBYE!" and if all that gin wasn't enough the girl had whiskey in her car! oh god. at this point she was all "I need to sober you up, I don't want to feel like taking complete advantage of you." which i'm pretty sure i responded by downing the whiskey and rootbeer from a mason jar(!) and replied "do it." i am nothing if not classy.

i would like to make other baby gays feel better in letting them know my first time was awkward, giggly, but sweet. it wasn't. awkward yes in ways, i had no fucking idea what i was doing. but giggly and sweet? no way. we fucking wrecked each other. years of suppression and denial lead up to one profoundly gay moment. oh i was a total lesbo.

it was actually rather sweet, beside you know...the kinky stuff. but when i took off her clothes, with much help from her, i was overwhelmed with the relief of seeing her body and how it was just like mine. i don't know how to describe how profound that moment was for me. sex suddenly didn't make me feel like a part of an equation to obtain an overall goal. i felt like an equal. an equal that had no fucking clue what to do next with a naked girl. but she was sweet in her own way. she knew i was a big v and she whispered comforts and soothed me. and then i went to fucking town. we ripped each other to shreds. i literally almost killed her. learning a valuable lesson: kink + booze = not a good idea.

via jaghetermarilla

oh yes this is something i'll gladly be doing for the rest of my life. i've been reading up, i'm stretching, i'm getting back in shape. this obsession is a life time commitment. fucking women might be the single greatest thing that has ever happened to me.