Tuesday, June 29, 2010

team gina

a team gina rap on the magic of the butch. which i fully support.

just so you know the whole intricate dynamic of tops and bottoms exists in the lesbian community as well as the gay. and apparently people still follow the hankie code. some what worrisome to someone who loves a matching bandanna despite what it represents.

Monday, June 28, 2010

ain't she a woman too?

one thing that keeps coming up since coming out are people saying to me "So what are you into? You're going to date girlie girls right? Like lipstick lesbians?" i'm actually rather offended by this. like women who aren't super femme are ugly, or undesirable or something. also never once when i dated men did someone ask me what type of guy i was into, as though one sub group was better than the other.

i like to say i love all women. because i do, i find them intriguing and i'm compelled to get lost in them. but sexually, right now in my baby gayness im attracted to women i know are gay. or at least i actively try to attract them. and yeah sometimes i guess thats the classic butch. i like girls with shaved heads. i like girls that wear plaid and have ugly shoes. i dunno. i think they're pretty. honestly, i think they're very pretty. also there is no black and white when it comes to lesbians, its not all butch and femme. there's a smorgasbord of types of women who love women out there. and each person is completely different from the next.

it bugs me when i see posts like "I like women who look like women" what the fuck does that even mean? its one thing to say you're more attracted to classic looking femmes or you prefer a girlie girl. but who says a shaved head makes you less of a woman? what is it about the sluffling off of the dominant idea of "femaleness" that suddenly makes you unattractive? statements like these bother me because it sends a message that women who choose not to conform to a female ideal are no longer true women. feminism already has it problems with gender fluidity (see anything with womyn in title) but does the lesbian community really have to suffer from the same hang ups?

im not sure where i fit in the gay rainbow. mostly i identify with dapper queer, or hipster dyke, but really i don't. some days i like button ups and ties and others a flouncy dress. i feel most comfortable in boys clothes, i feel more sure of myself, more willing to take up space. female assigned clothes like skirts often make me feel powerless and weak depending on the situation. but on hot days i'll choose to wear a sundress rather than pants. right now i feel okay with this set up. and i own it.

i'm not going to lie though, i find this special group of butches to be my fav girls. i call them baseball cap butches. and i heart them. i don't see how they are less beautiful or less pretty because they don't have long hair or heels on. i guess i just don't see how someone can say one type of woman is better than the other based on her "feminine charms". i think thats bullshit. i like women who are women. and even that statement can be limiting. because lets be honest FTMs can be incredibly hot too.

via homeofthevain

its not about being a woman's woman, its about being comfortable in your own skin and celebrating that. and that sort of courage and self assurance is far sexier than a woman in heels to me. i don't care if you wear makeup and takes you 25mins to do your hair, i don't care if you wear baggy jeans and ripped t-shirts as long as it's who you are and you own it, i will buy you a drink. that kinda of came off as pervy.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

i'm such a baby

ouch, i hurt my delicate gayness today. a trip to the local foreign mall will do that to you. in the food court, 'cause no matter the country no mall is complete without one, i spotted one of the very few out and obvious lesbians. and i was way proud. i gave her a "it's cool, stay strong" look because she was young and growing up in a small town in a country that doesn't really tolerate straying from the hetero norm.

bolstered by my naivety of what i assumed was a common exchange between gaylings i was on a gay high. which for some reason gave me the courage to smile flirtingly with a completely straight and foreign makeup counter girl! which she promptly laughed at me. what was i thinking?! it wouldn't have been quite so bad if she hadn't called her friend over to discuss the exchange and then talk about me while i stood stupidly three feet away. since it was in a different language i could just be being paranoid. though i doubt it.

via skyhopper

what a blow to my sensitive baby gay pride! deflated i bought myself a rainbow bracelet because apparently this is a common accessory for all new baby gays. ps most baby gays are 15 so when they wear rainbow stuff its cute and awkward, when you're 25 and full grown its just pathetic and sorta weird.

so after that defeat i can either a)crawl into my shell and never make eyes at a woman again or b)get over it and flex my gay muscles back in the states where i know my hungry eyes will be found flattering rather than pathetic.

omg i can't wait to be loving some american women! i decided not to make gratuitous remarks involving apple pie just then.

via mutttttttt

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

things i've said that make me know i'm gay #2

via dario torre

so second edition. this one makes me smile. its from a few weeks ago and before i wrote the post below. its more than just being attracted to women. its about sharing things with women and being willing to lose everything for them. its not even that, its a compulsion. i have to make a total fool of myself for them, i have to know them. its just how i'm hardwired. also when i read these i'm like "damn i talk like a 12 year old" lets not concentrate on my actual age and just remember i'm BABY gay.

me: i'm obsessed with women!

friend: haha for now maybe

me: no i think this is a lifetime condition

friend: until you begin to hate women. but maybe that's just me.

me: i cant imagine not loving women
wait yes i can

friend: scary huh?

me: mmm kind of... but they're lovely. absolutely lovely that i don't care if they completely wreck me. tear me apart and break my heart i'll go through all of that just to be able to hold one
ill write them poems and buy them flowers and make fucking mixed tapes
i just want one to kiss

friend: haha

me: soft skin, bright eyes, sly smiles, girls send me over the moon
i cant believe its taken me so long to see it
I'm completely devoted to them
in a way i never have been with guys

friend: awwww yay!

me: they make me gooey and mushy
i'm sick, like sick sick
ill do anything for a pretty girl. anything to make her smile

friend: oh hush, you're not sick. you're totally a gay girls dream right now

me: no i'm pretty sure i'm crazy

friend: girl crazy

me: sooo true

Monday, June 21, 2010

cold feet

via welcome,ghosts

so i've been freaking out. i've given myself a couple months to become completely enraptured by women. but these women, despite words and pictures aren't living flesh. what the fuck do i do when i'm actually talking to a girl? i mean, what if i'm not cut out for this? what if they're just way too much for me to handle?

when i talk to my narrow Internet community of lesbos i sometimes miss out on the delicate subtleties they weave in their buildings of relationships. but one thing i can tell, when they talk about women their eyes mist over and their voices soften. loving women is a devotion. i'm not sure if straight women feel the same for men. i've never felt it. and from the straight women i know rather well they sure as hell don't act like it. but with women it's like all or nothing. its a worship. its like every fucking second you want to take one in your arms and just smell her hair.

in a recent conversation i had a lezzie try to explain what was it about women and she said:

"The woman's body is beautiful yes but the passion and power of one is more captivating. They're so intense with emotion, will,opinions...it's electric and moving. Mmm girls that act with passion, love it! If it's love, rage or their interest it's wicked hot."

almost an indescribable force pulls us together. its hard as a baby gay to put to put my finger on it. i have far less experience with women and quite frankly they terrify me, they always have. i'm not even good at maintaining friendships with girls how do i expect myself to keep a relationship going? not to mention that a pretty girl makes me act like the biggest fucking idiot ever. i think its just being completely out of my element that has me scared. i just, i dunno...i just want to do right by them. they make me feel crazy and out of control, but i just want them to feel safe and adored. they fucking fascinate me. every time. i'm completely swept away by everything.

via lesfemmes

Thursday, June 17, 2010


all right i have a husband. its what happens when one gets married. its no ones fault, just an occupational hazard. lets get this out of the way, i love my husband. straight up he's the best man in the entire world and i love him. we have always just fit together. comfortably and warmly and if i was 35 and straight that would be all i would need for the rest of my life. i thought it was all that i needed now. that is why i married my husband. i love him, he was perfect for me, i wanted to share a life with him. and at the time i honestly thought love would be enough to fight my attraction towards women. sadly some people just can't handle having a gay spouse who wants to pursue relationships with the same sex outside of matrimony. which is cool and totally understandable. but not right for me. i've come to realize that women set me on fire in a way that men have never been able to do. yeah i've been crazy for guys, but women i worship. all of them, not just some of them.

it was hard enough being married for so short a time and then realizing you just couldn't do it anymore and then coming out. in a completely foreign country living a pretty shitty life and then your wife tells you she's gay and just wants to go the fuck home. it was pretty heartbreaking and destructive. it gets complicated when you try to think how much guilt you should carry and how much you actually need to move on. my sexuality and my coming out is wrought with failure and shame, actually made worse by the fact that everyone that matters seems to be taking it rather well. which i truly appreciate no lie. you are all amazing people and thank you so much for not letting me drown in this in silence.

the worst of it though, living with your husband in another country. its...awkward. because i am actively researching, studying and discussing my sexuality. but you know on my own. in secret. our life together is ending and it just doesn't seem real. i ache for his comfort, how easily i relax around him and how we can still joke around, even now. how much hurt can one person endure? and how much more should they go through? it becomes this tug of war game between celebrating and helping pick up the pieces. tip toeing around because you know this is so much pain. there are open wounds that can't heal and we're still sleeping in the same bed. this is the worst time in both of our lives, but theres this palpable feeling that while his life is ending mine is only just beginning. it is the type of guilt that drags on your very bones.

but you know what it doesn't effect? my feeling towards women. not tarnished in the least. i'm somersaulting over the graces, charms and down right irresistible qualities of my own sex.

via lesbihonest

so yes i do cry, i carry guilt, i feel heavy shame. all the awfulness of what this is and feeling like a failure and a fool and having to come back home to start over sucks ass. but i can withstand this. because ladies, you are worth it. every single one of you with your coy smiles and bell like laughter, you are so fucking worth it.

via fuckyeahdykes

where i attempt to find meaning and then give up

i allot myself days in which i go down a list of people in my mind who i should tell personally i'm gay. these are my coming out days and they are absolutely exhausting. breaking into the topic itself is rather awkward. some people get a clunky some what confusing story of "yeah well remember how..." others a deep sigh and then "i'm soooo gay" in this way i've realized suddenly that i have a lot of past examples to drudge up in my "holy shit this should have been a red flag" moments.

i didn't really start challenging and investigating my sexuality until about 3 years ago. yeah i know. but i've always been awkward around the subject and yet right at home. i grew up surrounded by a liberal bubble. except for that short stint in catholic school (where i spent most of the time rubbing everyone the wrong way and becoming friends with the other 4 minorities)the schools i went to were hippie-esq. i didn't even realize republicans actually existed until i went to a small, lets say rural, college for 2 years. i just grew up thinking sexuality was completely fluid and it wasn't worth thinking about. everyone i knew was boy crazy so i was boy crazy. of course for the boys who looked liked girls...

this is dumb. i'm re reading this and i realize i'm trying to explain the unexplainable. i like women, i've always liked women, i didn't figure it out till just now. i'm sorry i had to drag so many people down with me. but i'm glad i'm out. and i can't believe how absolutely obsessed i am about women.

so in my next post we'll talk about whats really important. how hot women are and how i worship every step they take, especially if its towards me.

i mean seriously now...wreck me.

things i've said that make me know i'm gay #1

here's a fun addition. because i'm by myself a lot and in another country i'm basically figuring this whole gay thing out in my own isolated bubble without actually applying anything to real life situations. thinking i was straight or at least wafflely up until the age of 25 has left me a little unsure about how gay am i. is that even possible? so i rely on how i feel when i look at something like this:

okay lets be honest here, the first thing that pops into my head is BOOBS! which should be enough, but right now i have the gay libido of a 14 year old boy. and we all know 14 year old boys are dumb. but then i think awwww, i want that! and then BOOBS! and then i want to kiss girls and hold them and make them feel safe. and then BOOBS!

so sometimes i'm not sure about visual stimulation. so i like to look back at conversations with very close friends about gayness, and what i reveal to them i ultimately reveal to myself.

this is a conversation with my bestest best friend who knew long before most of myself that i was carrying a sparkling rainbow torch for humans with vaginae:

Me: i feel so foolish most the time

Friend: yeah I was gonna suggest that that may be it
because you're coming back, and coming out, and now you're going to wonder who "knew" and who will think you're stupid for not knowing yourself

Me: exactly!
its terrifying
i dont like people thinking of me like that
i dont like feeling like an idiot

Friend: and who's gonna act all condescending about it

Me: it makes me really not want to come back. but those thoughts were what stopped me from exploring my feelings to begin with. i thought i've should of known by now and i didnt so i must not of been gay and so i kept being straight
and then felt funny every time two girls kissed
it was hilarious
like being 14 all over again

Friend: hahaha well there's no turning back, so don't just come out half way and pretend to be straight with some people and not with others or any of that business

Me: its weirdly comfortable

Friend: it's great when you can stop deceiving and start just settling into yourself

Me: almost like..
okay so you know how if you lay in one place long enough theres like an indent in the blankets?
its like rolling into that indent

how effing gay is that? who talks about rolling into blanket indents? homos, thats who. so its sad that i'm in my own made up world of gay, and that i still feel like an idiot. but when i talk about being gay and when i sigh over girls i light up. i get dizzy. i like girls. a lot.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

coming out over skype

most epic conversation with my mom. basically me mumbling something incoherently about grls and how pretty they are and sobbing then my mom goes


then skype drops the call.

best. timing. ever.


mom: “So is sex with women something you’re… interested in…?”
“Uh yeah mom, very interested in!”

later my dad sent me a link of “The prettiest woman I have ever seen!”

i feel like theyre taking this a lot better than most parents.

How two of my many siblings took it:

my sister: “Well who didn’t see that one coming?!”

my brother: “I was not expecting this.”

i heart my family. my brother was actually who i was most worried about telling because even though i’m from a very liberal family my brother is kind of a douche. but he was actually the funniest saying that now i can take my bi cousin out and cruise for chicks. and he dated a bi girl once. also that i should be a lipstick lesbian, actually he told me to be a lipstick lesbian. i told him it doesn’t quite work like that. apparently i also can’t date really butch girls, but he’ll go to my lesbian wedding because i’m his baby sister… see sweet, but still kind of a douche.

my brother: “MY sister IS a LESBIAN! my SISTER is A lesbian. my sister is a LESBIAN!”
me: “okay okay i get it, i’ll make you a god damn t-shirt!”
my brother: “Really? That would be kinda cool.”


oh my god hello. i'm baby gay. no really i am. i'm 25 and baby gay. hurrah!!
actually figuring out my sexuality has been super dumb and wicked hard. but isn't it for everyone? well yeah, but not every lesbo gets married to a man, moves to another country, and suddenly realizes all those girl crushes actually meant something. you feel kind of stupid. and like a super bitch. also you get a lot of "kind of could tell..." well maybe you should of ran that thought by me BEFORE i signed the god damn legal contract with the government! but whatev.

so what now? well now i get to crush the man of my dreams, check. come back to the states and live in my parents' basement while i try to pull together some semblance of a life out of nothing. lame. bright side? fucking women. see always a silver lining. how hard and how awful it was to make the decision to come out and subsequently ruin the life of the man i love and our families i am buoyed by the fact that i get to be lil' ol' gay me. and that's fucking exciting. i mean, come on, i get to kiss women! how awesome is that? its way awesome.

stay tuned for my awesome meltdowns and gleeful revelations in all things gay.