here's a fun addition. because i'm by myself a lot and in another country i'm basically figuring this whole gay thing out in my own isolated bubble without actually applying anything to real life situations. thinking i was straight or at least wafflely up until the age of 25 has left me a little unsure about how gay am i. is that even possible? so i rely on how i feel when i look at something like this:
okay lets be honest here, the first thing that pops into my head is BOOBS! which should be enough, but right now i have the gay libido of a 14 year old boy. and we all know 14 year old boys are dumb. but then i think awwww, i want that! and then BOOBS! and then i want to kiss girls and hold them and make them feel safe. and then BOOBS!
so sometimes i'm not sure about visual stimulation. so i like to look back at conversations with very close friends about gayness, and what i reveal to them i ultimately reveal to myself.
this is a conversation with my bestest best friend who knew long before most of myself that i was carrying a sparkling rainbow torch for humans with vaginae:
Me: i feel so foolish most the time
Friend: yeah I was gonna suggest that that may be it
because you're coming back, and coming out, and now you're going to wonder who "knew" and who will think you're stupid for not knowing yourself
i dont like people thinking of me like that
i dont like feeling like an idiot
Friend: and who's gonna act all condescending about it
Me: it makes me really not want to come back. but those thoughts were what stopped me from exploring my feelings to begin with. i thought i've should of known by now and i didnt so i must not of been gay and so i kept being straight
and then felt funny every time two girls kissed
it was hilarious
like being 14 all over again
Friend: hahaha well there's no turning back, so don't just come out half way and pretend to be straight with some people and not with others or any of that business
Me: its weirdly comfortable
Friend: it's great when you can stop deceiving and start just settling into yourself
Me: almost like..
okay so you know how if you lay in one place long enough theres like an indent in the blankets?
its like rolling into that indent
how effing gay is that? who talks about rolling into blanket indents? homos, thats who. so its sad that i'm in my own made up world of gay, and that i still feel like an idiot. but when i talk about being gay and when i sigh over girls i light up. i get dizzy. i like girls. a lot.